Sixth Sense

Two cowboys came upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground.

One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"

"Yeah," says the other cowboy.

"Look," says the first one, "He's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."

Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "About two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, furniture in wagon ..."

"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color, what's in the wagon -- just amazing!"

The Indian looks up and says, "Ugh ... not amazing ... wagon ran ... over me ... 30 minutes ago!"

British English vs. Malaysian English

Who says our English is teruk? Just read below - Ours is simple, short, concise, straight-to-the-point, effective etc.

WHEN GIVING A CUSTOMER A BAD NEWS

British: I'm sorry, sir, but we don't seem to have the sweater you want in your size, but if you give me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you.

Malaysian: No stock.

RETURNING A CALL

British: Hello, this is John Smith. Did anyone call for me a few moments ago?

Malaysian: Hello, who call?

ASKING SOMEONE TO MAKE WAY

British: Excuse me, I would like to get by. Would you please make way?

Malaysian:: S-kew me.

WHEN SOMEONE OFFERS TO PAY 

British: Hey! Put your wallet away, this drink is on me.

Malaysian:: No need lah.

WHEN ASKING FOR PERMISSION

British: Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible for me to enter through this door?

Malaysian: (pointing at the door) Can ah?

WHEN ENTERTAINING

British: Please make yourself right at home.

Malaysian: No need shy shy one lah!

WHEN DOUBTING SOMEONE 

British: I don't recall you giving me the money.

Malaysian: Where got?

WHEN DECLINING AN OFFER

British: I would prefer not to do that, if you don't mind.

Malaysian: Don't want lah.

IN DISAGREEING ON A TOPIC OF DISCUSSION

British: Err...Tom, I have to stop you there. I understand where you're coming from, but I really have to disagree with what you said about the issue.

Malaysian: You mad ah?

WHEN ASKING SOMEONE TO LOWER THEIR VOICE.

British: Excuse me, but could you please lower your voice? I'm trying to concentrate over here.

Malaysian: Shut up lah!

WHEN ASKING SOMEONE IF HE/SHE KNOWS YOU..

British: Excuse me, but I noticed you staring at me for sometime. Do I know you?

Malaysian: See what, see what?

WHEN ASSESSING A TIGHT SITUATION. 

British: We seem to be in a bit of a predicament at the moment..

Malaysian: Die lah!!

WHEN TRYING TO FIND OUT WHAT HAD HAPPENED

British: Will someone tell me what has just happened?

Malaysian: What happened ah? Why like that one lah?

WHEN SOMEONE DID SOMETHING WRONG

British: This isn't the way to do it. Here, let me show you.

Malaysian: Like that also don't know how to do!

WHEN ONE IS ANGRY

British: Would you mind not disturbing me?

Malaysian: Celaka you!

Worms

It was the first day of Biology for a group of teenagers. The professor had arranged a short demonstration for the class. He took a worm and dropped it into a glass of water. The worm wriggled about in the water. Then he took a second worm and dropped it into a glass of alcohol. The worm immediately died. The professor asked the students if anyone knew what the point of the demonstration was. A boy raised his hand and said, "You're showing us that if we drink alcohol, we won't have worms."

Smart Kids 2

KID 1 TEACHER    : "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?" JOHNNY      : "Because George still had the ax in his hand." KID 2 TEACHER    : Now, ! Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? SAM           : No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. KID 3

TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. WILLIE    : Me! KID 4 TEACHER  : Tommy, why do you always get so dirty? TOMMY     : Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. KID 5 TEACHER   : Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I." ELLEN        :  I is... TEACHER   : No, Ellen..... Always say, "I am." ELLEN        : All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet." KID 6 TEACHER    : "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?" JOHNNY      : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time." KID 7 TEACHER    : Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as brother's. Did you copy his? DESMOND   : No, teacher, it's the same dog! KID 8 TEACHER      : What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer  interested? PUPIL           : A  teacher.

Smart Kids 1

KID 1 TEACHER    : Why are you late? WEBSTER   : Because of the sign. TEACHER    : What sign? WEBSTER   : The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow." KID 2 TEACHER   : Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? CINDY       :You told me to do it without using tables!

KID 3 TEACHER    : What is the chemical formula for water?   SARAH        : H I J K L M N O!!   TEACHER    : What are you talking about?   SARAH        : Yesterday you said it's H to O! KID 4 TEACHER  : George, go to the map and find North America.   GEORGE    : Here it is!   TEACHER   : Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?   CLASS       : George! KID 5 TEACHER   : Jo, how do you spell "crocodile?" JOHN         : K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L". TEACHER   : No, that's wrong. JOHN         : Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!

Stress Reliever

Stress Reliever .. 1

Wife : You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why ?
Hubby : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one

Stress Reliever .. 2

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?" "Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"

Stress Reliever .. 3
Father to son after exam: " Let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."


Stress Reliever .. 4
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.


Stress Reliever .. 5
A husband was asked: "Do you talk to your wife after sex?"
He replied: "Depends, if I can find a phone.

Dear Boss

Dear Boss, People who do lots of work...  make lots of mistakes People who do less work... make less mistakes

 People who do no work...

 make no mistakes

 People who make no mistakes...

 gets promoted

 That's why I spend most of my time

 sending e-mails & playing games at work

 I need a promotion.

Fair trade

A husband comfortably lay down on the couch before his wife comes in and ask

"Can you fix the light in the bathroom for me?"

"Do you think I work for General Electric?" The husband replied.

"Can you fix the refrigerator?" The wife asked again.

"Do you think I work for Samsung?" same replied by the husband.

"So, can you just bring the parcel to the post office please?" The wife asked for one last time.

"Let me tell you something. I don't work for FedEx either ok?" The husband cruelly replied.

The husband feels so annoying by his wife and angrily leaves the house. When he got home. He surprisingly found that the light and refrigerator were well fixed and the parcel was gone. He asked his wife. "How do you handle all of these?"

The wife said "Well, I was crying in front of the house when you leave. One guy walked pass andask if there was anything he can help. I told him everything and he offers me that he would do everything for me if I either makes love with him or bake him some cookies.

The husband asked. "So, what kind of cookies did you make for him?"

"Cookies? Do you think I work for Oreo?" Replied by his wife.

Employee Memo

Memo to all employees:

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T).

We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T on the course, please see your supervisor.

You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T list and our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing you get all the S.H.I.T you can handle.

Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T).

Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T).

Since our supervisors took S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T already. If you are full of S.H.I.T you may be interested in a job teaching others.

We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LIST of LEADERS (B.U.L.L.S.H.I...T).

For employees who are intending to pursue a career in management and consulting, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T).

This course emphasizes how to manage M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.S.H.I.T).

Thank you, BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G.S.H.I.T)

They have already had their fill of S.H.I.T. Thank you for your time. !

Sincerely,

The Director Under the Main Bureau of Super High Intensity Training. (The D.U.M.B.S.H.I.T)

Q & A for a laugh

Q: What is the similarity between men and rats?
A: Both keep searching for new holes.

Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5- days and if it doesn't come, it means you are in big trouble.

Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology?
A: When the baby looks like his dad or mom, then it is biology. When the baby looks like the neighbor, then it is sociology

Q: Doctor: You look so weak & exhausted. Are you having 3 meals a day as I have advised?
A: Lady: Doctor, I thought you said 3 males a day.

Q: Girl friend & boy friend go for a movie. In the dark, a mosquito enters the girl's skirt. Guess where it would have bitten?!!!!!!!!!!!! 

A: The boy friend's hand.

Q: Tarzan and the animals went to the river to take a bath. Tarzan removed his clothes. All the animals laughed. Tarzan asked "Why"?
A: The animals told him. "Your tail is in front".

Q: Secret of long life
A: Morning two eggs, evening two pegs... and night two legs

Return my horse!

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse had been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

Chemistry Class

One day, a chemistry teacher asked his student's, "What is the chemical formula for water?" Silly Suzie immediately raised her hand. "Yes Suzie, what's the answer?" the teacher asked. Suzie answered proudly, "The chemical formula for water is 'HIJKLMNO'!" Her teacher looked perplexed. He asked "What are you talking about?" Suzie replied, "Yesterday you said the chemical formula for water is H to O!"

English language

Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?

Let's face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)

That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this observation,
It ends.

PHYSIO THE RAPIST

Physio was an intelligent boy. After doing a physiotherapy course abroad for 3 years, he returned home and set up a clinic in his hometown.

He asked a designer to make a new name plate to be hung on the wall outside the clinic.

The next morning, when he went to his clinic, he was pleased to find that the name plate was already put up but he was greatly annoyed by the wordings on the plate: TUKANG URUT

He went to the designer and took him to task.

“How can you insult my profession? ‘Tukang Urut’ means masseur in Malay. I am a physiotherapist and not a masseur! Make sure you change the name right now! And see that the word is spelt correctly!” Physio said angrily.

The designer apologized and promised to make the changes immediately. Without further delay, he proceeded to change the name but found that the word “physiotherapist” was too long. So he broke it up into three words to make it easier to read.

The next morning, Physio hit the roof when he saw the new name.

On the name plate were written: PHYSIO THE RAPIST

P/S:

take someone(him/her) to task= to scold or reprimand someone

hit the roof= to suddenly become very angry